The Fiddler Is a Good Woman by Geoff Berner

Author:Geoff Berner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dundurn
Published: 2017-09-18T04:00:00+00:00

Giulietta Caetano

Her House, Tucson, Arizona, 2016

Tom came bursting out of the kitchen with his cum-drippin’ dick hangin’ out, covered in blood, including his face. What kind of blood? I do not want to know. He screamed, “We Gotta Get Outta This Place!” and jumped up on the bar. People cheered, and for a moment there was a hanging pause because, oh, man, he didn’t know what he was going to do! The crowd didn’t know what he was going to do! But we (his band) knew what he was going to do. We knew exactly what he was going to do.

Hey man, you can always count on Tom when it comes down to a moment like this: Tom will always find somewhere inappropriate to huck a piss.

I’ve seen him piss while driving the van so as not to have to stop, and seen him fumble the bottle, sprayin’ urination around in a kind of piss fountain. I’ve been in hotels and private homes when Tom was around where I remember thinking, “Shit, we forgot to close all the drawers.” He’s even pissed in the vegetable drawers of several closed refrigerators at house parties I’ve attended, and once, in a full drunken state, he patiently picked the lock of a small safe in order to piss in it. DD said she sincerely regretted teaching him lock-picking after that. He’ll piss out of a moving van, laughing; he’s pissed on the windows of businesses that wouldn’t let us use the bathroom and on the windows of businesses that he loves dearly. The big picture window at Tuesday’s is coated with a thin film of piss, much of which belongs to Tom. We were in Toronto at the NXNE music conference once and he started pissing in the middle of a traffic island. DD said, “Tom, you can’t pee there!” and Tom just smiled and said, “Oh, no, actually you can! See?”

So I knew what he was going to do as soon as I saw him. Everybody else had to wait to find out.

I seriously think we could have kept working that place at least until the end of Stampede, but after DD talked Tom down from the bar and he slipped on some of his own piss but managed not to break anything — we headed straight back to the motel and we all were of the same mind that we really did “gotta get out of there.”

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